The Things I Never Said

I like you.

I wait every morning for your text.

I want to touch your hair.

What's your perfume?

Who do you think about on idle days?

When you stare at the stars, who do you wish for?

Drops of Jupiter reminds me of you.

What's on your browser History?

I really wanted to take a photo of us.

I wonder how it would feel to touch you.

What do you see when you look at me?

I wish we'd hung out more.

I wish you'd have asked me out.

Who was she?

Who was I?

Were you sad when you told me you were leaving?

What was so difficult for you to ask me out?

You never really said much.

You made me feel beautiful and ugly, important and insignificant, a rare gem and a pastime all at once.

Suprise! I didn't really mind at all.

Were you mad when you showed up that night?

Are you over her?

I can be so stupid at this.

You were the one brave enough to push till the end.

I have given in.

Pro bono. 

Just stay with me.

You made me feel human, with all the tears and shit.

Did you ever wonder even for the slightest about us?

I liked your new hair. 

Was I hard to talk to in person?

Your niece is cute.

Yes, I blocked you.

Do you miss me?

Yes, dumb as can be, I'm still hoping. 

But I know I  need to stop. 

Because, really..

Did you ever feel anything for me?

'Cause I always seemed never enough for you.  

The Seven Sands of UAE

What else can I say?

I was never your dream. 

Stop and Stare

I stare too much at the wall
Dazed and absorbed, impregnable and lost

It relaxes my eyes a little
Not having to focus on anything

Sometimes, tilting just a little bit higher
For it crinkles my forehead, a soothing massage

I stare too much at the wall
Often lost in my thoughts, zoning out from the world

Looking at the blank and empty white paint
Nothing has ever been more alive and bold with colors

For as I stare too much at the wall
I see flashes of life before me
White coats, and stethoscopes, black suits and crisp writings

Aeroplanes, red telephone booths, ridges and cliffs
Everyday markets, broken bricks of pavements, canoes & hillside huts
I see wheat fields and breezy afternoons, bicycle rides and library rooms

I see this man raising his head to the sky, arms wide open, undaunted by his nakedness
I see crowds in applause, people with eyes to the heavens, children..in their liveliest form.
Canopy of trees, brown crunchy leaves, blinking lights dangling nearby

More vividly than ever, I see your face.
Staring back. Contented. At peace. 

Bearing a look that meant you understand.
A look that meant "it doesn't matter". 
A look that meant "I'm here...always". 

And I see...myself.

No longer looking down. No longer zoning out. 

I know, I stare too much at the wall.
Sometimes, tilting just a little bit higher.


For it crinkles my forehead, a soothing massage..
And...it keeps in the tears from falling down hard.

Love.

I miss staring at you.
And count beads of sweat on your forehead.
Trace the lines of your grassy hair with my eyes.
Even the blackheads on your nose look charming.

You were my only sight to see that year.
You, and you, and only you.
You were my only sound to hear every evening.
You, and you, and only us, two.

I miss heading to our place, walking in the crowd.
And you appear out of nowhere, catching up
Earphones on, stubborn stare ahead, your slouched pace
Slows down with mine.

I roll my eyes, and jog up in a run
You pull me back, and tell me wait up.
I say to myself, Ha! You talked to me first.
And the rest was a blurr.

We hide in the back, lost in our chats
Of animes, and samurais and j.r.r. tolkien
To be honest, I didn't like the subject.
But I wouldn't miss it for the world, to be your only receptor.

I loved walking home with you in the late evenings.
Playing with our shadows, as the Blue Moon bears witness
To our awkward silence, buzzing thoughts
On what to talk about after one topic is ended.

Remembered how you urged me, on one of our evening walks
To run down the highway on a GREEN light!
I screamed YOU MUST BE CRAZY!
And yet, I ran because I didn't mind your craziness.

I miss your funny thoughts, sarcastic realizations, and childish games.
I miss our spotlight, standing out from the crowd.
The inseparable duo, surrounded by speculations.
But for us, we just shrug them off.

And remember our first few days together?
How you pulled my plastic chair close to yours
Because we had some catching up to do.
And on my mind, I was like: Hey, that's too close!

Sigh. I miss you a lot. You may think I shrugged off too.
But the truth is, I didn't.
Every freaking moment with you, I kept deep inside.
Like a glowing talisman, they kept me warm and alive.

You were my biggest What If?
My What Could Have Been. My Almost.
And now in my lonely journey,
You have become my treasured What Used To Be.

I miss you. Hans.

1/4. CHECK!

Tonight's my last night before I hit a quarter of a century.

And I'm celebrating it in the most MEANINGFUL way ever.

Eating M&Ms. #slowclap #yeyme

Under Water

I am in a point in my life wherein I feel like everything about me has frozen..ceased..halted.

I can't move and I always have this nagging feeling that I am stuck and can't get out.

My life is in total hiatus. I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't the faintest idea what I want to do. Hell, I don't even have a FAVORITE COLOR!!

Everyday is a struggle not to compare myself with others, and how fast-paced and blossoming their life and future have become.

They are full of dreams, radiating with ambition, hungry for more! And here I am, falling flack and stale. Indifferent and monotonous, except only when I'm reminded of how I NEED to get on and start to panic.

oof! Every day I keep on shaking my head. It's like somebody or something turned the lights off me.

I'm a walking zombie. Dead at 25, only buried at 75. :'(

To Whom Am I Talking To, Anyway?

Like, seriously?

You gotta be kidding me!

So, it's not my high school crush...not my college crush...not my office crush...not the gits who, I think, have got a crush on me..

And now, not him?!

Then WHOOO is it?!



PS: don't get me wrong. I just wanna know...so I could scuttle
away. :'-(

Hamartia (i love this word!)

                              
         Can I just paint a HUGE sign on my chest that says:

         WARNING: PERSON WITHOUT CONVICTION.
         DO NOT RELY.


...............then, I wont have to explain myself to the defensive. (sigh)

Return to Sender

Nothing hurts more painfully than having your sincerity doubted and rejected by the people you've willingly invested yourself into. The pain is like a nail repeatedly pounded into your heart and lungs that you could only hope to survive for the night. It damages your unblemished point of view, which has been nothing but optimistic, hopeful, and considerate. It pushes you to question the nature of mankind and the anatomy of one's psychology to the brink of doubting everything that education, morals, and experiences have taught you. The stinging tears that refuse to fall makes your nerves falter and you grasp for anything that is real to support you but you find none because nobody knows what reality really is. When at last you wake up after a sleepless night of internal bleeding, you force yourself to stand up and face the world again, plastering a broken smile and averting eyes that still refuse to let go. You walk like a zombie as you try to keep life going and in your head, the saddest of all sad songs play in harmony with your steps and your life flashes before you as you swallow the betrayal of the world you so loved.

Then, you try to reason yourself why it bothers you so much. Then again, you realize it would not have hurt if you had not have cared. And I just could not get the cliche that the heart only gets stronger after it is broken because it is not reality. Reality is pain, reality is agony, reality is anger..not some silly optimistic and hypocritical quotation.

Yes. It hurt when I received that big "RETURN TO SENDER" note. But I smiled when I read, "FOR A BETTER ADDRESS". 

Time to Let Go again

Things are different, things have changed.
Try as I might, there's just no other way.
To move on, to let live, to find love and be happy.
Though I know that I've already lost you,



oh no, you haven't lost me. :'(

To E-R-R is Human, To Forgive is Divine

It's one o'clock and I am still awake
I could hear you from a distance
You're so full of life, of energy, so full of mischief
I knew it was you because that was how I remembered.

It's been a while already that I haven't seen you
I'm not sure you will be coming back
But don't you ever think that I don't ever think of you
Because I do, as if you were here

And I'm still not over you're gone forever
And I'm trying to live each day with a smile
But cold evenings bring back memories
And old photographs never lie

That you were here, here in my heart
You were every missing part
Having you was like having a piece of heaven
Because I know you were sent to me
To make me see all the love and the beauty
And  I know now why I'm here, I understand
Because you were His masterplan

I could say the world will turn
The cars will move, the leaves will fall
And I'll be counting down the Christmases
I know I'll have to spend without you

Your laughter will echo in my sleep
Your thought will flow through my mouth
You don't know the hopelessness I feel
Try as I might, it's too late now

You were always the strong one
I admire you for that
Too bad you're no longer here to be one
But you taught me how to, and I'll do just that
Please remember that I love you so much
My portal to nostalgia
Wherever you may be, please don't ever forget me
Coz I will forever hold on to your memory

Azkaban My Ass

I have come to realize that I am no good at being chained and bound. 

No, I'm not a squirmy prisoner. I'm not a whiner also. You wouldn't even know that I'm trying to escape.

Every day that you keep me captive, I just give you a poker face. 

On exceptional occasions, you might get lucky enough to receive my poisonous nectar.

But usually, you wouldn't even know that I am trying to escape.

I'm going nowhere!

I have come to realize that I am no good at being chained and bound.

And since you wouldn't even know that I am trying to escape,

Brace yourself for one day, I will no longer be there.

Undress for kings

      We've been to OURSELVES for several times already...

                       ..............................................so now let's go to PARADISE.

     I will see YOU there Jumar Calapre. hahaha

Cynicism Can Be Tiring

It was the perfect moment.


I was busy reading, you came at my table.
You were mumbling something, so I looked up at you.
You made a friendly greeting, and asked me for something.


I looked directly at your eyes and noticed your eyes twinkling.
A faint smile clung to your lips, and your eyeballs were doing a saccadic movement
As if you were looking for something inside my eyes.


You blurted out that you wanted something from me.
I asked 'What?' though I already knew you wanted a blank Leave form..
I casually looked away as staring makes me feel uncomfortable.


I kept saying 'What do you want?' but you couldn't remember
I was trying to help you 'til you spoke in a faint whisper
"Ka-pretty nimo oi. You look very pretty."


I couldn't help but smile. Though the feeling sunk only a few hours later.
Heartfelt they may be or not, it still brought the feeling of flattery.
And a new sense of attachment and warmth towards you.


It was indeed the perfect moment, as they happen usually in movies.
But too bad I'm a cynic, and I know you can't fool me. Haha!

Jaded and Scared

At this moment, all I see are blurry colors and flickering lights.

Sometimes, I think they're pretty. At other times, they just make me confused.

Sometimes, they make me feel unique. At other times, I would think I'm just being optimistic.

Sometimes, they make sense. At other times, they're just too deep to fathom.

And sometimes, they tell me they hold my future.

At other times, they just say my future is up to me.

At this moment, all I see are blurry colors and flickering lights.

And sometimes, I just love to sit & stare at them for hours on end.

Indispensible

You know that it is over when no matter how hard you try to patch things up,

when it's formed, something is still wrong.

Thank you for dropping by today and confirming the unlikeliness of "us".

Perspective

Please don't rely so much on me.

You know I have the memory of a goldfish.

My name says so...

Escape

I wanna go somewhere. Far far away where people I'd see would no longer look like me.

I'd take the train, then ride a bus. I'd drop off on crooked pavements. Then rent a bicycle with a basket; I'd wear a huge hat, don on a floral dress with my 5-year-old champagne Chucks. I'd kick some leaves and feel nostalgic 'bout the coffee shops.

I'd probably get lost.....

....But I'd definitely be free.

It Was Like Every Other Valentine

The sound of your voice somehow tells me a message,

"Hey! Look up! I'm here near you. I may not be talking to you, but just so you know I'm trying to make this conversation last longer so I might steal a chance to casually chat with you too."

The warmth of you laughter whispers to me,

"I'm laughing right now because I'm hoping you would join in with the conversation and we could share the joke & connect. I might just get lucky and be introduced to you."

Your heartfelt eye-creasing smile says to me,

"Just so you know, I'm flashing my most charming smile right now. I may not be looking at you, but if you must know, I'm also not seeing the person in front of me. Coz in my mind, I'm imagining that it is you whom I am smiling at".

Your silent stare somehow conveys,

"If I could only have you, I would probably be the happiest person on earth. I would feel complete and secure. Happy and contented. Inspired and optimistic. How I wish we could get our chance someday."

And as you passed by me, I caught a glimpse in the mirror and saw what I was thinking.

Walang Magawa sa Valentines

I'm a very deep person. I ponder on philosophies

of man. I create my ideas though I seldom share 'em out.

But then, I guess that's just how I am.

"A penny for my thoughts. Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar."

"They're worth so much more after I'm a goner".

I've fallen in love on a one-sided affair. Cupid keeps

on shooting only me, which is very unfair.

Yet, I'm strong and independent. I don't need someone by me.

That is why this Valentines Day, I'm gonna cry my loneliness out

while watching sad romantic movies.