It's Not Like the Movies At All

I guess I should've told you, huh?

I mean, I know we wont be seeing each other again after college

How could we when the only thing that binds me to the outside world is school

And now that we're done, I wont be seeing you, or anyone else anymore

And now, six years have passed

But the memory of freshmen year is still very vivid

The corridors, the queue outside the classroom, the groupings,

Your classmates, your barkada, your ginormous headphone

They still visit my thoughts once in a while

And all I do now is smile at such a sad sad story

Never thought my loser-ness and invisibility could create a timeless tale

Never even thought Id reach this stage when I could now just laugh about it

Coz I could never used to do anything in front of you, remember?

I could never used to look up to your face to talk

I could never used to talk even, all that came out were "yes", "noh?", "hehe"

And at times when I just lose it, I just nod and ran

But its not really that epic, you know

Because we never really had more than a few moments of interaction

We were from different "classes"; You were more with the outgoing school popular kids

I was more of the school-dorm-school-dorm good-in-class boring nobody

So, even just teenie tiny moments when you asked me for paper,

Or when you asked jokingly if I could give you my test answers

Or when you came to our table where I was sitting to look at the stuffed aligator for our lab

They were all so magical, and they gave me false hopes that I know are correct

I could just remember my tragic Valentines during 2nd year

How aaaaaawwwwwwkward it felt sitting there with my friend, watching you gave flowers to her

How I was trying to strike a conversation with my friend so I wont have to look

How I was longing to go home so I could cry my heart out

If you must know, my world really shattered that night

Yeah, I remembered those blue roses....that weren't for me

Yeah, I remembered riding the jeepney home, staring non-seeingly at the rain-soaked road

And the song "Teardrops on My Guitar" just audible from the sidewalk

I remembered how I had to wait another agonizing three hours

Before my roomates can finally go to sleep, and I could sneak with my cousin to the laundry area

So we could watch the bright city lights, while I tell her what happened

And made my own rain of hot painful tears, my chest aching of hopelessness and defeat

It was sad, yes. Very.

It was tragic, yes. Very.

It was like those stupid movies, yes. Very much.

But it didnt have the same ending, yes. It didn't and it won't.

But then, I remembered our spiritual retreat in our senior.

I became more calm near you, I jived with you and our floormates; it was an improvement.

Then we had that candle-giving session, we can give to someone candles and say things we want to say to them

I was fighting a battle if I should give you one and finally spill my 4-year-old beans to you.

But I was afraid of getting hurt, so I decided not to.

Then everyone started rounding candles to everyone they know around the circle

I saw from the corner of my eye that you were rounding candles too

I was so nervous and began hoping again at that moment

When you gave the candle to the person just before me, I looked up at you and smiled at your craziness

Hoping I could pass off a relaxed and Im-cool-with-it-if-you-wont-give-me-one bravado

And yes, you just smiled at me, the light of the candle dancing in your face

And you skipped and passed me.

I wanted to run and get out then

I felt like such a loser, and ugly, boring, loner whom no one will ever love or even consider fancying.

Yes, it hurt. Again.

I thought I was over you, but why was I stabbed so hard when you did that.

During our graduation practice, I was even more alone.

My friends ditched me because I was too crazy during our thesis and they hated me for it.

I bagged an award, and you did too.

We hung up at the rear end of the line and you took my umbrella and held it for us.

But I knew from the beginning I was fighting a losing battle

So, I had to get my chance to at least make a happy ending to my story

At the end of the ceremony, I asked my friend if she could call you

So we could take a picture together; you were joining other pictures but you gladly stood and ran to me

Others tried to join us, but I was glad my friend shooed them away

So there, I wasnt even the one to ask you if we could have a picture together; my friend did it

I just stood there feeling like mold; weak and stupid; trying to convey to you my secret

I didnt know if you got the message, but you paced your arm around me, and we both smiled for the camera.

Up till now, I still got the picture

And as I look at it, it made me smile because for once in my life

I was able to have the guts to endure the humiliation

Of standing next to you for a picture; and conquer my lack of willpower.

I guess, if this were a movie, we'd probably end up together right?

Well, we didnt. Im still just the boring hopeless-romantic loner

I dont know bout you, but as I heard, you are now with our other classmate who crushed on you in our freshman year too

Good for her, she got what she wanted. I didnt.

But please, dont think I still want to now.

We're older now. Wiser. Focused now on making a career.

I just had to write this memory

Because I know I have made a good work of art without even trying.

I'll probably read this 20 years from now

I dont know if I would still be able to recall these events

But I do hope to those who would be able to get hold of this

That you would enjoy reading and relate your life to it. :-)

If you must know, I wrote this after watching A Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Ha!

APATHY

I just hate it when the sky remains stubbornly gray;

Refusing to give in and just burst.

Why won’t it just pour down and let the earth feel its tears?

Is it because it is proud or because it fears rejection?

Loath and belittlement from the creatures who shall witness its downfall?

Looking up at it makes me want to cry.

Maybe because I know how painful it feels

Nobody appreciating your presence

Nobody willing to withstand your agony

Especially when you so much wanted them to

The sky is not asking for repayment

It just wants to avail to your services as someone it considers a friend at night

Looking back at the many times you shared together,

Star-gazing, listening to your wishes, delighting the pigments of your imagination

And now, now that it cannot at the moment give you twinkling diamonds,

You just forget as though what you had were all pretenses?

Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Maybe because I know how unfair it feels

Must it always remain sunny and vibrant, all signs of pretense hard and cold on its visage?

Must it always be the one to yield to its audience below?

Must it have to bear its sorrows alone?

If you were in its place, do you think you could take it all?

I know I’m fighting a losing battle here

What, with no men behind me? What would you expect?!

Painful as it may be, I guess I’ll just have to save myself alone.

I’ll just have to untangle my confused brain again,

Glue together my torn heart together,

Wipe my tears away with my own hanky.

For no other one will do them for me

I am just a flightless bird, diving too deep for coins

I got nothing beneath my sleeves

Just gotta do my prince-saving thing solo and raw.

For I am an individual, no one is like me, nor will there ever be

I can be strong enough to lift the heavy weight of my weeping heart

I can be strong enough to face these blades, and when I do get slain and cut, I can sew myself together again for I’ve learned to become a good sewer.

I am in no debt with another.

But the problem is..will I ever learn to need someone..again?

You HAVE to know why i hate you!!!

Do you know why I hate you???!!!

Well, I hate you because you are an arrogant bastard! You are so “naning”, very unusual for a guy, and you don’t even bother to keep all your data to yourself. You just had to brag and show what you could recall, don’t you?!

I hate you because you are so greedy when it comes to grades. You always make sure your oral recitations are graded accordingly. You always wear that smug face whenever our teacher would call you. You chose group mates who are smart and very “naning” also, so that you could get the highest score possible.

I hate you because you do stuffs on your own, and even if you do them with others, you do them without me.

I hate you because you always make me hate myself. Ever since we’ve became classmates, I’ve always hated myself. I always felt stupid and foolish and useless, all thanks to you!

I hate you because you always embarrass me in front of others and in front of you!

I hate you because you are very difficult to read. I don’t know what is on your mind.

I hate you because you always make me nervous. And whenever I’m nervous, I tend to blunder around!

I hate you because you always ruin my day. Ironically, we don’t even talk to each other, that’s why my day is ruined.

I hate you because you talk to me! I don’t want to you talk to me. I don’t want you to look at me! I just want you to leave me alone!

I hate you because you bring rain to my life. After every encounter with you, I always want to cry out of anger! I want to scream and scream and just let the tears keep flowing.

I hate you because you made me realize how stupid a girl I am. I am the most idiotic pathetic person there is.

I hate you because you make me feel even lonelier than I already am. You made me develop false hopes for happiness only to get struck hard on the face.

I hate you because you make me cry a lot. You make my heart ache painfully, and you don’t even notice that. Dumb ass!

I hate you because you are friends with my friend and she was able to get that friendly closeness I so badly wanted with you.

I hate you because you said my name and asked me for a paper just before an exam, and I was completely disgruntled that I forgot the answers to questions 1-7. Totally!!!

I hate you because you sat right behind my back and we were having an oral recitation and I was very aware of your presence that I embarrassed myself because, again, I went completely blank and got 5.0.

I hate you because you don’t give a damn about me. You never notice me! I hate you!

I hate you because you never loved me back. You caused me buckets of tears when you expressed your love for her in front of me.

I hate you because even though I tried hard to forget you, ignore you, and move on, I couldn’t. You still posses that power to weaken me. Just the sound of your voice directing to me makes me want to just stare at you while thoughts race in my mind.

I hate you because you are my greatest downfall.

I hate you because you are the ugliest living creature in this world, but I still can’t get over you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!!

Some call it FOOLISHNESS, I say it was worth the risk!

It was the most uncomfortable situation I have ever been in. June 1, 2009, Monday, 9 pm at SM Cebu. I was with my cousin at that time. We were roaming around the mall to buy some time for me to think, though it was already getting late. I texted my aunt if she was home already so we could leave. I texted my friend if she was home so I could get my bags and move to my aunt’s boarding house. Minutes passed, a text message arrived from my aunt saying she was on her way. I was devastated. I didn’t want to stay with her for the night because her place is not very inviting. But I had no choice. I was hoping my friend would offer me a night at her apartment, but she had another roommate that I was not comfortable with. He seemed a nice person though, it is just that we are not that familiar with each other and here I am hitching a shelter and I’m not the most bubbly-friendly type of person to be with. So, we decided to go home, pack my bags and head for my aunt’s. When I arrived, my friend and her roommate together with his parents were already there. I told them where I was going, and to my relief, my friend offered me to stay for the night because it was already very dangerous outside. So, there I was; dying with discomfort, embarrassment, and pretense of having to be extra nice because I was availing to their facilities. Unbelievably, I was able to fall asleep. Perhaps it was because of my desire to get away from this very uncomfortable situation. That was how my little adventure alone in Cebu all started.

When I woke up, I pretty much ate on my own and went to school to finish my enrolment. I had a heavy feeling bellow my stomach though, dreading what would come ahead of my solo flight to school. I was never that much comfortable with my college friends, a decision I definitely regretted ever since I was a freshmen. So when I got to school, there was already a long queue along the Teller and Assessment section. But my destination was the Information Resource Management-ACS Department to settle my jumbled accounts. I came here the other day, but I was number 94, curse these early birds! So when I came back, I got number 12, thank God. While waiting, I met some of my classmates who were also requested to settle their accounts just like mine. We talked a little. I talked a little. I couldn’t get what they were talking about, and frankly, I don’t want to appear stupid for saying the wrongs things. So I just remained shut up, wishing I could see some familiar faces. The worst thing was, my not-so-ex crush was with us. I think he tried to get all conversational with me, but I was hard as stone. Anyway, like some sort of miracle, I saw him! My high school classmate. Finally, I can smile. We talked. He was not able to take a priority number so he asked me if I could insert his accounts right after mine. I was hesitant at first, because part of my Top Five Most Hated Things is social loafers. But I thought, a little kindness never hurt no one. So I assented. I waited and waited and waited for like centuries. Their pathetic computer system was so pathetically slow that I felt pathetically sympathetic for the pathetic school. Lunch came. I ate with my classmates; a very odd sort of company you can see me with. But we shared the same problems so we stuck together. When we got back in the afternoon, the line still has not moved. It turned out they’ve shut down the entire system to make some changes in the server. And where else could this situation lead to??!! Why, two hours of waiting for the department to open, forty five minutes for the computers to load, additional forty five minutes extension, and a long list of curses, swear words and ugly looks from hungry students! I finally decided to quit, and do some other stuff. I decided to go home that day because I can no longer take the discomfort of having to sleep at my friend’s apartment again. So I gave my number 3 priority number to my classmate to fill in up for me while I go and get my boat ticket. That was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon, and my vessel was due 7 pm. I was almost fed up with all the problems and misfortunes I had that day, but I did not stop because I knew I still will just have to face them sooner or later.

With an empty stomach, I walked along Colon St. to the ticket booth just across Rose Pharmacy. When I got there, the lady advised me to go directly to the pier ticket booth because that was how it was that day. Damn it! It was already 4:30 pm, and I was starting to panic. I got on a jeep, and thankfully for traffic, I got there 20 minutes later and it was not really that far away. I hastened my pace into a slow run. When I got to the booth, I saw that there was already a small line. Great! Just what I wanted! More lines. To my aggravation, the booth was closed, when it was supposed to open at 4 pm. I texted my cousin where she bought her ticket and she said she got it right across the booth where I first went into. Disgruntled but definitely determined, I rode a taxi to get to the place as fast as I can before it closes. When I got there, true enough, it was closed. They told me to buy directly at the pier, so I already got there and it was closed. I probably must have missed it! Shit! I hurried back again, spending another costly fare on a taxi so I could get there fast. And it was there when I arrived back at the pier that my disgruntled life made an unexpected pleasant turn!

Okay, so here I was frustrated and very down of what has befallen on my day. I was dirty and sticky of all the dusts in the streets, and was on the verge of giving up. From afar, I already saw the once small line into a longer one. I had no choice! I had to fall in or I won’t be able to get home. I approached the old men queuing and asked for some paper to write my name on. There, I saw the mother of my friend’s roommate also queuing and she acknowledged me. We talked for a while as I fell in line. There were two lines. The mother of my friend’s roommate was two people ahead to my right. In front of me was a gangly guy in a dark blue jacket. He had disoriented hair, wore some glasses, and a huge scar on his forehead. Judging by his looks, he was in his early twenties. He talked to the old ladies beside us casually, including the mother I was acquainted with. By observation, he seemed to posses some natural ambiance of charm and wit as he confidently chatted with the others. I looked at him furtively; his voice and mannerism seemed familiar. While I was struggling to figure out who he reminds me of, he turned around to face me! He asked me a couple of questions, my address and everything. I was pulled out of my musings as I struggled to comprehend what he just said. His questions, as I analyzed, seemed too personal. I felt a sense of foreboding to ignore this guy because he was a complete stranger. Still, I did not want to be rude so I professionally answered his questions truthfully. There was a deep sense of hesitation radiating out of me, but, unsure why it happened, I just kept on answering his one-on-one interview with me. Eventually, I was able to know his real motif. He needed my help; to the extent of requesting to use my name on his cargo slip. In simple terms, he wanted me to take care of his cargo for him! Now that’s something you don’t get all day! Anywho, I was in a state of daze and almost nausea because no guy has ever walked up and talked to me like that before. I was caught off guard! I tried to get hold of things; scrutinizing his profile to check if he was lying. But I couldn’t help but feel his sincerity and urgency for my assent. And so, foolishly, I assented again to the third request I had that day. What the heck! I was helped also.

First things first, I was in a bad mood. Then this complete stranger suddenly came up to ask for my help, feeling really close as if we’ve been friends our whole lives. And here I was falling into a booby trap, right in the palm of his hand, taking a bite of the forbidden but delicious apple. Sounds like a tela-novela, ain’t it?! But at that moment, that was real. So, for like forty five minutes, this guy and I talked and talked at the pier while waiting for the tickets. And, though quite unsure, I think I was starting to like him. I mean, like him like him! But I was apprehensive also because he was an unknown enemy, too. But he was very charming! I laughed and laughed, and I was very distracted that I forgot I still got problems in school to be solved. All I knew at that moment was that I wanted to get to know more this guy; that he won’t go away, that he would stay forever and teach me how to fall for someone and be not afraid of it. I was very dumbstruck of what turned out of my day! I knew I was gonna have to regret this act if something bad happened to me, but to hell be the cats and dogs! I was finally having the attention of a guy I really liked! We texted each other for business matters, but I was saving his messages for rainy days. I did not want us to part now that we’ve just met. But like all my previous “nice-try’s”, I almost got there but I never really got there. I had to leave, he had to go back to his life, and the world had to continue spinning. Till we meet again! Oh yeah, I never got to ask for his name. Just an “Engel” from his text message. I didn’t even know how to pronounce it. But, like all stories, mine must come to an end. Thank you for crossing my path Engel. Hope to meet you again!

YOur Stubborn Love is What Keeps Me ALive and Breathing

Caught again - Your faithless friend
Don't You ever tire of hearing what a fool I've been?
Guess I should pray - But what can I say?
Oh it hurts to know the hundred times I've caused You pain
Though 'forgive me' sounds so empty when I never change
Yet You stay and say 'I love you still'
Forgiving me time and time again

It's Your stubborn love that never lets go of me
I don't understand how You can stay
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
How I long for You - stubborn love

Funny me - Just couldn't see
Even long before I knew You, You were loving me
Sometimes I cry - You must cry too
When You see the broken promises I've made to You
I keep saying that I'll trust You though I seldom do
Yet You stay and say You love me still
Knowing someday I'll be like You

And Your stubborn love, it never lets go of me
I don't understand how You can stay
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
How I long for You - stubborn love

It's Your stubborn love that never lets go of me
I don't understand how You can stay
Perfect love embracing the worst in me
And You never let me go
I believe I finally know
I can't live without Your stubborn love

labay lang...

i just had the most peculiar experience last night.

peculiar because nothing of some sort had i dreamed would ever happen to me..

what a waste though because the spark is long dead already...

had it been present still, i would have fainted at that instant!

still, i managed to smile to myself upon thinking how much i longed for this..

i had waited for two years to have just this moment with you...

i had dreamed you'd ask me those questions you'd aked me last night for months and months..

Wish granted!!

but sadly, the feeling is no longer here...

no more fireworks in your eyes as i look at them for the first time in two years..

no more crazy heartbeats and flushed faces in me as i casually joked around with you...

what a sad story for me...dont you think??

and a sad story for you, too...

because you could have had a love booked especially for you had you payed attention..

you could have had a burning affection exclusively for your eyes..

but tell me how do you awaken a recently dead heart that refuses to live again and get hurt?..

no..i think i will give it a rest already,

because no one can ever forget the bloody valentine you gave me last february..

and no one..not even you can scoop back those tears i shed for you that night...

so now..i just wanna say how thankful i am to be over you..

because i realized what a jerk you are..

and how it feels great to be free again from the tangles that your magic suffocates..

goodbye jiggs..and hello jiggs again...hahaha

....emo kau...