I guess I should've told you, huh?
I mean, I know we wont be seeing each other again after college
How could we when the only thing that binds me to the outside world is school
And now that we're done, I wont be seeing you, or anyone else anymore
And now, six years have passed
But the memory of freshmen year is still very vivid
The corridors, the queue outside the classroom, the groupings,
Your classmates, your barkada, your ginormous headphone
They still visit my thoughts once in a while
And all I do now is smile at such a sad sad story
Never thought my loser-ness and invisibility could create a timeless tale
Never even thought Id reach this stage when I could now just laugh about it
Coz I could never used to do anything in front of you, remember?
I could never used to look up to your face to talk
I could never used to talk even, all that came out were "yes", "noh?", "hehe"
And at times when I just lose it, I just nod and ran
But its not really that epic, you know
Because we never really had more than a few moments of interaction
We were from different "classes"; You were more with the outgoing school popular kids
I was more of the school-dorm-school-dorm good-in-class boring nobody
So, even just teenie tiny moments when you asked me for paper,
Or when you asked jokingly if I could give you my test answers
Or when you came to our table where I was sitting to look at the stuffed aligator for our lab
They were all so magical, and they gave me false hopes that I know are correct
I could just remember my tragic Valentines during 2nd year
How aaaaaawwwwwwkward it felt sitting there with my friend, watching you gave flowers to her
How I was trying to strike a conversation with my friend so I wont have to look
How I was longing to go home so I could cry my heart out
If you must know, my world really shattered that night
Yeah, I remembered those blue roses....that weren't for me
Yeah, I remembered riding the jeepney home, staring non-seeingly at the rain-soaked road
And the song "Teardrops on My Guitar" just audible from the sidewalk
I remembered how I had to wait another agonizing three hours
Before my roomates can finally go to sleep, and I could sneak with my cousin to the laundry area
So we could watch the bright city lights, while I tell her what happened
And made my own rain of hot painful tears, my chest aching of hopelessness and defeat
It was sad, yes. Very.
It was tragic, yes. Very.
It was like those stupid movies, yes. Very much.
But it didnt have the same ending, yes. It didn't and it won't.
But then, I remembered our spiritual retreat in our senior.
I became more calm near you, I jived with you and our floormates; it was an improvement.
Then we had that candle-giving session, we can give to someone candles and say things we want to say to them
I was fighting a battle if I should give you one and finally spill my 4-year-old beans to you.
But I was afraid of getting hurt, so I decided not to.
Then everyone started rounding candles to everyone they know around the circle
I saw from the corner of my eye that you were rounding candles too
I was so nervous and began hoping again at that moment
When you gave the candle to the person just before me, I looked up at you and smiled at your craziness
Hoping I could pass off a relaxed and Im-cool-with-it-if-you-wont-give-me-one bravado
And yes, you just smiled at me, the light of the candle dancing in your face
And you skipped and passed me.
I wanted to run and get out then
I felt like such a loser, and ugly, boring, loner whom no one will ever love or even consider fancying.
Yes, it hurt. Again.
I thought I was over you, but why was I stabbed so hard when you did that.
During our graduation practice, I was even more alone.
My friends ditched me because I was too crazy during our thesis and they hated me for it.
I bagged an award, and you did too.
We hung up at the rear end of the line and you took my umbrella and held it for us.
But I knew from the beginning I was fighting a losing battle
So, I had to get my chance to at least make a happy ending to my story
At the end of the ceremony, I asked my friend if she could call you
So we could take a picture together; you were joining other pictures but you gladly stood and ran to me
Others tried to join us, but I was glad my friend shooed them away
So there, I wasnt even the one to ask you if we could have a picture together; my friend did it
I just stood there feeling like mold; weak and stupid; trying to convey to you my secret
I didnt know if you got the message, but you paced your arm around me, and we both smiled for the camera.
Up till now, I still got the picture
And as I look at it, it made me smile because for once in my life
I was able to have the guts to endure the humiliation
Of standing next to you for a picture; and conquer my lack of willpower.
I guess, if this were a movie, we'd probably end up together right?
Well, we didnt. Im still just the boring hopeless-romantic loner
I dont know bout you, but as I heard, you are now with our other classmate who crushed on you in our freshman year too
Good for her, she got what she wanted. I didnt.
But please, dont think I still want to now.
We're older now. Wiser. Focused now on making a career.
I just had to write this memory
Because I know I have made a good work of art without even trying.
I'll probably read this 20 years from now
I dont know if I would still be able to recall these events
But I do hope to those who would be able to get hold of this
That you would enjoy reading and relate your life to it. :-)
If you must know, I wrote this after watching A Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Ha!
