Stop and Stare

I stare too much at the wall
Dazed and absorbed, impregnable and lost

It relaxes my eyes a little
Not having to focus on anything

Sometimes, tilting just a little bit higher
For it crinkles my forehead, a soothing massage

I stare too much at the wall
Often lost in my thoughts, zoning out from the world

Looking at the blank and empty white paint
Nothing has ever been more alive and bold with colors

For as I stare too much at the wall
I see flashes of life before me
White coats, and stethoscopes, black suits and crisp writings

Aeroplanes, red telephone booths, ridges and cliffs
Everyday markets, broken bricks of pavements, canoes & hillside huts
I see wheat fields and breezy afternoons, bicycle rides and library rooms

I see this man raising his head to the sky, arms wide open, undaunted by his nakedness
I see crowds in applause, people with eyes to the heavens, children..in their liveliest form.
Canopy of trees, brown crunchy leaves, blinking lights dangling nearby

More vividly than ever, I see your face.
Staring back. Contented. At peace. 

Bearing a look that meant you understand.
A look that meant "it doesn't matter". 
A look that meant "I'm here...always". 

And I see...myself.

No longer looking down. No longer zoning out. 

I know, I stare too much at the wall.
Sometimes, tilting just a little bit higher.


For it crinkles my forehead, a soothing massage..
And...it keeps in the tears from falling down hard.

Love.

I miss staring at you.
And count beads of sweat on your forehead.
Trace the lines of your grassy hair with my eyes.
Even the blackheads on your nose look charming.

You were my only sight to see that year.
You, and you, and only you.
You were my only sound to hear every evening.
You, and you, and only us, two.

I miss heading to our place, walking in the crowd.
And you appear out of nowhere, catching up
Earphones on, stubborn stare ahead, your slouched pace
Slows down with mine.

I roll my eyes, and jog up in a run
You pull me back, and tell me wait up.
I say to myself, Ha! You talked to me first.
And the rest was a blurr.

We hide in the back, lost in our chats
Of animes, and samurais and j.r.r. tolkien
To be honest, I didn't like the subject.
But I wouldn't miss it for the world, to be your only receptor.

I loved walking home with you in the late evenings.
Playing with our shadows, as the Blue Moon bears witness
To our awkward silence, buzzing thoughts
On what to talk about after one topic is ended.

Remembered how you urged me, on one of our evening walks
To run down the highway on a GREEN light!
I screamed YOU MUST BE CRAZY!
And yet, I ran because I didn't mind your craziness.

I miss your funny thoughts, sarcastic realizations, and childish games.
I miss our spotlight, standing out from the crowd.
The inseparable duo, surrounded by speculations.
But for us, we just shrug them off.

And remember our first few days together?
How you pulled my plastic chair close to yours
Because we had some catching up to do.
And on my mind, I was like: Hey, that's too close!

Sigh. I miss you a lot. You may think I shrugged off too.
But the truth is, I didn't.
Every freaking moment with you, I kept deep inside.
Like a glowing talisman, they kept me warm and alive.

You were my biggest What If?
My What Could Have Been. My Almost.
And now in my lonely journey,
You have become my treasured What Used To Be.

I miss you. Hans.

1/4. CHECK!

Tonight's my last night before I hit a quarter of a century.

And I'm celebrating it in the most MEANINGFUL way ever.

Eating M&Ms. #slowclap #yeyme

Under Water

I am in a point in my life wherein I feel like everything about me has frozen..ceased..halted.

I can't move and I always have this nagging feeling that I am stuck and can't get out.

My life is in total hiatus. I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't the faintest idea what I want to do. Hell, I don't even have a FAVORITE COLOR!!

Everyday is a struggle not to compare myself with others, and how fast-paced and blossoming their life and future have become.

They are full of dreams, radiating with ambition, hungry for more! And here I am, falling flack and stale. Indifferent and monotonous, except only when I'm reminded of how I NEED to get on and start to panic.

oof! Every day I keep on shaking my head. It's like somebody or something turned the lights off me.

I'm a walking zombie. Dead at 25, only buried at 75. :'(

To Whom Am I Talking To, Anyway?

Like, seriously?

You gotta be kidding me!

So, it's not my high school crush...not my college crush...not my office crush...not the gits who, I think, have got a crush on me..

And now, not him?!

Then WHOOO is it?!



PS: don't get me wrong. I just wanna know...so I could scuttle
away. :'-(